made up my mind to make a new start

the Great House Reorganization (in order that it may be sold to a normal human being, the type of person who doesn't tend to agree with my decorating vernacular) occurred this weekend.* Now, I am fully capable of understanding that things need to be made tidy, clutter reduced, and little evil sculptures made by my grandmother have to sleep in a box for some time rather than scaring off potential buyers. I am, however, a house-selling novice, and so went directly to the source for assistance: my mother. She is an expert in this area, having bought and sold more homes in her lifetime than most realtors. but I knew my asking for her help could be perilous. Visions of doilies and fake flowers everywhere heightened my anxiety. But I had not fully prepared for what was to come, not even in the 28 years I've been dealing with her.

She shows up, ever-dependable husband in tow, with an SUV full of accessories. I start to sweat. She grabs a box from the SUV, greenery and baskets poking out of the top, and walks in the door. At this point I have to switch to a narrative format to capture the exact nuance and exchange that took place.

Mom: [handing me a plastic taped up bag, contents indiscernable] "Here's a statue of St. Joseph. You have to bury it upside down in your garden."
JW: "wh......WHAT?"
M: "You have to bury him UPSIDE DOWN IN YOUR GARDEN." (repeated louder and slower because apparently I am a slow listener) "It helps sell your house faster."
JW: "um....no thanks."
M: "Seriously, it works. It's condoned by the Catholic church."
JW: "But I'm not Catholic anymore."
M: "Do you want to sell your house or not?"
JW: [pleading] "But what if I don't believe it? What if it doesn't mean anything to me?"
M: [as grave and serious as you can imagine] "I believe it."
JW: "how about this: if you help me re-do my flower gardens, I'll let you bury St. Joseph."

you don't win a battle like this. needless to say, she left my house without the statue. in spite of that, within a span of three hours, this woman-on-a-mission rearranged and transformed my house. I have to say, it looks pretty good. The little flowery seat cushions on the kitchen chairs have got to go, though.

*how wrong is it to have a parenthetical statement longer than the original sentence? no jeers from the english zealots, please.