are you there god? it's me, cakebrain
it's been all crazy all the time up in this place. Fittingly, this cafe was just playing "where is my mind?" -- a good question. Best not to ponder too long.
The first few days of classes have been a party of emotions, with everyone invited. I went to my first class and promptly got lost. In bicycling parlance, when the main group leaves you struggling to keep up, it's deemed being off the back. That was the image in my head. I immediately freaked out and went to office hours.
Since then, it's been ups and downs of dropping unnecessary classes, paranoically adding new ones only to realize I missed the first lecture, and then deciding to drop more classes. Most of this has to do with qualifying exams and other administrative hoop-jumping, but it's been, um, exhilirating?
Let's just say that I've woken up in the middle of the night for each of the past three nights, heart pounding and lying awake for seeming eternities, my half-asleep brain mentally conjuring all of the possible class/qualifying exam scenarios and trying to choose the right one, only to circle back again because, hey: I'm half-asleep. Smart decisions are rarely made; conclusions are unreachable.
Last night was the first night of respite from the anxiety, only to be replaced by half-awake musings on research questions. At 4am I got up, wrote notes in two different notebooks and sent an email to a professor. Not the way I typically work.
I'm looking forward to a few days off and to start again next Tuesday. Hopefully in that time the wild, color-flashing carousels of anxiety in my brain quiet themselves and I re-learn how to stay asleep.
The first few days of classes have been a party of emotions, with everyone invited. I went to my first class and promptly got lost. In bicycling parlance, when the main group leaves you struggling to keep up, it's deemed being off the back. That was the image in my head. I immediately freaked out and went to office hours.
Since then, it's been ups and downs of dropping unnecessary classes, paranoically adding new ones only to realize I missed the first lecture, and then deciding to drop more classes. Most of this has to do with qualifying exams and other administrative hoop-jumping, but it's been, um, exhilirating?
Let's just say that I've woken up in the middle of the night for each of the past three nights, heart pounding and lying awake for seeming eternities, my half-asleep brain mentally conjuring all of the possible class/qualifying exam scenarios and trying to choose the right one, only to circle back again because, hey: I'm half-asleep. Smart decisions are rarely made; conclusions are unreachable.
Last night was the first night of respite from the anxiety, only to be replaced by half-awake musings on research questions. At 4am I got up, wrote notes in two different notebooks and sent an email to a professor. Not the way I typically work.
I'm looking forward to a few days off and to start again next Tuesday. Hopefully in that time the wild, color-flashing carousels of anxiety in my brain quiet themselves and I re-learn how to stay asleep.
random bits cobbled together by j-dub
2 Comments:
Yeah, but do you like your classes?
This is why Jesus made beer, jw. If we meet up this weekend, you can have a few on me.
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